Editorial
Jeditorial #15
Written by Ryan Boyd
Tuesday, 05 August 2008
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Treason is a crime punishable by death.
You are reading the last memoirs of a
guilty man before his toned ass is hauled off to the torture chamber
behind the clock in the Civic tower where I will be bent and broken,
baked and boiled, sautéed and marinated and fed finger by
finger to those starving guys along Queen St who foolishly majored in
psychology.
In my sexy shackles and chains I will
meet a fate worse than death before I actually meet my fate of death
by catapult, as is the custom for my crime. I have accepted my grim
future and await my capture, but I will not be flung into the fire of
Mt Doom (aka Rangitoto) without first telling my side of the story.
They say Hell is a place of inescapable
horror and torture. A place where all the other people are deformed
and vile, making your life a misery with every breath. Once my car
broke down in Palmerston North, so I have some idea of what I'm in
for and I am not afraid. In the wise words of Dubya, bring it on. I
still prefer it over what I am accused of not doing.
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Jeditorial #14
Written by Ryan Boyd
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
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Lately I have been having these
fantasies about being stabbed.
As I walk along the street I get this
unnerving feeling that the person behind me is going to grab me
around my neck and shiv my side, leaving me to bleed to death on the
pavement. I have also started sitting at the back of the bus in case
the person behind me tries to strangle me with piano wire. If I can’t
get the back seat I will rest my chin on my hand so that I have some
defence should the inevitable attack occur.
Is this normal? Or am I just paranoid
and delusional? I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist. Or am I?
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Jeditorial #13
Written by Ryan Boyd
Monday, 21 July 2008
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Hello mass debaters and welcome to the sequel; Semester 2: The Revenge. It is probably not going to be as good as the original, but who knows, it could be the new Aliens and improve on perfection.
For those of you silly enough to watch the sequel before the original, you may find it a bit hard to follow the plot, which is why we have reorientation, a sort of recap of what you missed.
So for the benefit of you newcomers, let me introduce myself. My name is Ryan and I am your humble narrator for this epic cinematic experience; omniscient and all knowing like Morgan Freeman in War of the Worlds only whiter.
Throughout this feature I will shower AUT with weekly doses of wisdom
to help guide the hero (that's you) through his (or in the post-Kill
Bill age, her) quest to destroy the evil Examinator, his henchman the
dreaded Assignment X, and along the way find romance with the girl/guy
way out of their league. I think it's time to start printing those ‘For
your consideration' posters now.
End scene.
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Jeditorial #12
Written by Ryan Boyd
Monday, 09 June 2008
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Hello to you all, my fellow debatians. This is the final issue for the
semester, and for some of you it may be the final issue you will ever
read. Not because you will die before the next issue (I hope) but
because some of you will be finishing your studies in the next week or
two.
So congrats and all those bollocks and good luck to you all in the real
world. As for the rest of us, we will just have to be content in the
purgatory of student life for the meantime. True, I’m not a student,
I’m a tourist, but I don’t like to think of myself as someone who has
left the safety of campus life just yet. Most people just rip the
band-aid off straight away, while others like me will go on to do
post-graduate study, and if they’re still not ready they may even get a
job at the university. These are the scumbags I have to work with
(David Victor I’m looking at you).
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Jeditorial #11
Written by Ryan Boyd
Monday, 02 June 2008
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Chances are I'm smarter than you.
I apologise for that deliberately confrontational and arrogant opening line; it was meant to sound as stupid as it does.
I have never put much faith in IQ scores. The idea that you can
measure intelligence and rank it against others just holds far too many
variables for my liking. What if you don't understand what a question
is asking for? What if you have dyslexia and take a long time to read a
question? What if you get drunk beforehand as my friend Peter did
before a calculus exam just to see if it would make a difference?
(Answer: it does.)
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