Best lecturer? I may not technically be
a "lecturer" in the academic sense, but what am I doing right
now? I'm lecturing you, that's what.
What about Best Non-Academic Staff? I
may not be on AUT's payroll, but that's just academic. And I'm
non-academic.
Best Librarian? While that court order
prevents me from being a librarian here, in high school people used
to call me "Conan the Librarian". Where does it say in the rules
that only AUT librarians can be nominated?
Best Post-Graduate Supervisor? Come by
my office and I'll supervise the shit out of you. Free Moros all
round.
Well anyway, since I can't be
bothered writing an entire new editorial, here is my "For your
consideration" press release that I was going to run anyway. It's
completely redundant but has some good points. Enjoy.
Vote for Ryan!!!*
My dear mass debaters, I have given you
so much. I have suffered through broken bones, bloody mouths, ant
infestations, and angry readers to bring you this tremendous
publication each week. This free publication, I might
add. (Well, sort of free.)
I have travelled from the top of the
harbour bridge to the chilly plains of Christchurch to the dark
continent of Hamilton to bring you tales of intrigue and woe; I have
battled cold and flu just to write these words especially for you,
and all this time I have only asked one thing of you in return: that
you read and enjoy.
But now I do have one request for you
all, something you can do to repay for the prizes I gave, the jokes I
told, the wisdom I shared, and the tears I won.
Let me list the reasons why I believe
you should vote for me, Ryan "Bad" Boyd, aka Hot Ryan.
-
I am the hardest worker in all of
AuSM's and AUT's history (according to my informal independent
survey). I had to produce the first 5 issues of debate this year
entirely by myself (well, with a designer too, but I had to fire
her). That was very hard work, but I worked overtime and prevailed.
-
I got quite ill in the winter
months of the year (to a state of deliriousness) but still only took
two sick days the entire year.
-
On the only week I took off all
year, I still came into the office 4 of the 5 days. A combination of
dedication and nothing better to do.
-
Let's face it, debate is ten
times better now than it has ever been before.
-
I broke down the gender barrier
for debate editors (all previous ones were female). In a way I am
the modern Kate Sheppard.
-
I was the only person brave enough
to dress as Klinger at the MASH themed AUT Christmas party last
year. (I don't know why this means you should vote for me, but I
thought I should finally explain those pictures of me in a dress.)
-
I charitably give my entire weekly
salary to the needy.**
-
Without me, how else would you
have entertained yourself during those boring lectures?
-
I once taught some tough
inner-city kids that poetry can save you from a life of gang
violence, and along the way learned some life lessons from them too.
-
I was Time Magazine's Man of the
Year in 2006. (It's true, look it up.)
So as a blatant promotional device I am
putting on my pink furry pimping hat with a feather in it. Everyone
who votes for me goes into the draw to win the most coveted prize
debate has to offer: a date with the editor.
That's right, you and me will go and
do whatever you please as long as your budget can afford it. (I
should mention that you will have to pay for everything. It's not
that I'm poor, just really cheap.) We could go and have margaritas
on the beach, play counter-strike, eat sushi on the bus, or whatever
your idea of a date is. We will do whatever you want to do providing
you vote for me. No wrinkleys.
I sense that you are all just itching
to vote for me now, so here's how: just go to AuSM.org.nz and
follow the instructions. Or I suppose you could vote for lecturers
and other people like that, but how does that help my ego?
*Boyd that is. Not Waite. He's never
done nothing for no one.
**My definition of "needy" may
differ from yours and can include (but is not limited to) myself, The
White House, and JB Hi-Fi.
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