And because I didn't vote, the
results didn't reflect my views and you know who won? Politicians
won, that's who. I would have voted for the non-politicians on the
form and the red-tape in Wellington would not be gagging the nation.
Hmmm my fact checking device (Talia) has informed me that all the
names on the ballot were politicians. That's a bit unfair isn't
it? It's pretty biased to all the non-politicians out there who
want to run the country. People like me. I thought this was a
democracy.
So while I may not be able to win AuSM
Staff Member of the year, I am putting my name forward as a candidate
for Prime Minister. Please vote for Ryan. Again.
I have all the credentials every great
leader needs: I am confident so long as I don't have to make any
actual decisions; I am an egotistic bastard who loves seeing his name
in the newspaper; I have a internationally lauded history of sexual
perversion; I am greedy; I have no morals, shame or conscience; my
charisma is only exceeded by my manipulativeness; I am a great liar
(fooled all you into thinking I was fired, didn't I?); I have years
of experience spending other people's money (namely my parents')
without risking any of my own; and I like the idea of getting paid
for saying I will do stuff and then not actually doing it.
So please, when you go into the box on
November 8, please give your vote to the only non-politician on the
card. Well, actually my name won't be on the card since it's way
too late to register and that costs money. So you will just have to
take a vivid and scrawl it on there yourself. I'm a DIY kind of
leader, just so long as I don't have to actually do anything
myself.
"But Ryan," I hear you say,
"although I want to vote for your handsome face and obvious charm,
I'm not going to give you my vote without hearing your policies,
despite most of the nation doing that anyway for all the other
parties."
Well, astute reader, you are smarter
than I give you credit for. Here are my policies:
-
Fire Winston
-
Fire everyone else in government
-
Replace them with the unemployed
-
Year round daylight saving
-
Casual Fridays
-
Implement a siesta policy
-
Turn Beehive into a hostel/mall
The truth is that unless something
crazy happens, nothing will ever change. Are we really better off
under Labour than National, or vice-versa? They will still screw to
over for another term in office. Do you think we would have interest
free student loans if Labour didn't need our vote last election?
They only notice our existence when they need something from us.
Total suckups who snub you at the party after they no longer need
you.
Why are National ahead in the polls?
They were ahead even before they had announced any policies. The
mentality of "anyone but Labour" is so stupid that I question the
validity of democracy sometimes. When half the population are below
average, I sometimes put on my elitist hat and question if everyone
actually deserves a vote. Of course they do, it's our human right
to have a say, but wouldn't an impartial board of learned citizens
be better equipped?
I mean, if I'm a Telecom customer,
the board don't ask me and the rest of us what they should be doing
because we assume they know best. Hmm, maybe Telecom wasn't the
best example, but companies are smaller than countries (well, most
companies and most countries) and you wouldn't put a bunch of
uneducated rednecks on a board, would you? Unless you're an oil
company that is.
I know, I know, I'm a bit fascist and
the idea goes against the principles of blah, blah, blah, but it was
just a thought.
The point of all this: all politics is
stupid. But I don't have a better idea, so fuck it.
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