Back to black

Yes, my little apple crumbles, you heard me right: Goth. That much-maligned of subcultures, that bastion of latex and lace. What better way to deal with your broken heart than to broadcast it to the world through your clothing, to (literally) slather it all over your sleeve?

If you're reading this and thinking, "Wow, annaloren is a genius! Someone should nominate her for the Nobel prize!" (like I know you are), you're in luck. Lately, designers everywhere seem to be pumping out clothes specifically with dispirited dumplings like you and me in mind. At Giles Deacon's recent show in London, models stalked down the catwalk with giant black veils enveloping their faces. (Deacon explained that his collection was inspired by the Edgar Allen Poe story The Masque of the Red Death, and was supposed to remind the viewer of "people partying in a castle with everyone dying outside". Deliciously morbid.) At Alexander McQueen, black - in layers of lace and velvet - was again the colour of the hour, with spiky ankle boots and huge, backcombed hair completing the macabre look. And even Prada's latest collection seemed to be almost exclusively crafted from black lace.

Closer to home, Lonely Hearts' spring collection - influenced by vintage corsetry and Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice, among other things - provides a veritable slew of dark, beautiful pieces for the dejected and downcast. If you can't afford their bloomers, lace dresses, and leather bras and corsets (let's face it, sometimes we students have better things to spend our money on, such as that red wine I was talking about earlier), great Goth-y things can be found on the cheap at Smoove and those little Asian stores I can't remember the names of on Little High Street.

For skin, we're talking pale, and I mean I-haven't-eaten-red-meat-in-a-year pale. (This is possibly the only time anyone is ever going to be jealous of my skin tone, and I am going to revel in it, bitchez). For hair, we're talking black, of course, and the bigger you can get it, the better. For jewellery, go for chains and religious iconography (there's probably something to be said here about appropriation and the way that fashion trends lessen the meaning of symbols, but I don't really give a crap about religion so I'm not going there. I welcome your hate mail with open arms; anything's got to be better than another boring "You smokers are giving me CANCER!" rant).

Before you attempt to exorcise the demons of your shite winter by going Goth, I must offer you two warnings. The first is to never, ever, not-even-if-someone-is-holding-a-gun-to-your-mother's-head, wear black lipstick (sorry, Mum. I value your life, really). Dark red? Sure! Dark purple? Go nuts! But despite what Yves Saint Laurent wants us to believe, there's no way on Earth that anyone, anywhere, can ever wear black lipstick without looking like they're growing mould on their face.

The second warning is this: Don't be tempted to slide into emo territory on your journey to Goth. Go for velvet and fishnets, not band t-shirts and side fringes; Siouxsie and the Banshees, not My Chemical Romance (shudder). Emo is to Goth what... well, I'm behind deadline and I can't be bothered thinking of a suitable analogy, but trust me, if I had, it would be hilarious.

Anyway, strudels, go forth into the wilderness and mope fashionably! And if all else fails, just shove on a corset and lace it up as tight as you can. The inevitable loss of blood flow to your brain will ensure that all of those sad thoughts magically disappear.

*Rooves? Either option makes me sound like a Westie. Fuck you all, I'm going for a wine.