From the mailbag

Dear annaloren,
What do you think is the appropriate punishment for wearing open-toed shoes with stockings? I think execution is appropriate.
Love, BiCurious George.

Dear BiCurious George,
I fully agree with your judgement that execution is the most appropriate punishment for those who commit that most heinous of fashion crimes: wearing open-toed shoes with stockings. However, it is important to treat all people as individuals and to respect that they all have very different needs. To this end, I propose that we stage civilised meetings with those who wear open-toed shoes with stockings in the hopes of ascertaining their greatest fears. Armed with that information, we can then draw up a tailored death plan for each individual, ensuring that each meets their end with the greatest possible amount of pain and suffering. Suggested death plans include rabid cocker spaniels, the use of thumbscrews, and being forced to watch Girls of the Playboy Mansion for days on end.
Love, annaloren

Dear annaloren,
I love style but I hate fashion. Why do all the girls around me look so fucking ugly all the time? As Belle de Jour would say, “Flat boots and ra-ra skirts? I’d never get work again.” Just because it is in the window of Supré does not mean it looks good. In fact, it probably means it looks fucking ugly. If only I had enough money to give all of these girls mirrors so they could check their appearance before they left the house, perhaps the problem would go away. Then again they can see each other and don’t seem to be saying anything.
Maddy.

Dear Maddy,
While I’ll readily admit that the thought of the neon hell that is Supré often induces a powerful gag reflex in me, the level of your vitriol toward it is a little alarming. Have you had your blood pressure checked recently? Further, I urge you, as painful as the prospect is, to think outside the square and recognise Supré for its good qualities: namely, that it can serve as a tool of social Darwinism. Take comfort in the fact that, much like t-shirts with slogans that allude to the wearer’s penis, an outfit comprised entirely of items from Supré acts as a gigantic flashing warning sign, informing you that you should not become friends with this person under any circumstances. Ahem, I mean, enticing you to look beyond the stereotypes and appreciate each and every Supré-clad lemming for the unique little sausage they surely are underneath. Ahem.
Love, annaloren

Dear annaloren,
Love your articles! Um, so I thought you could do one on Nicole Richie maybe? She always looks so good and I’d love to know how to steal her style...
XXXXXX

Dear XXXXXX (I have censored your name to protect your Nicole Richie-loving identity. Trust me, you’ll thank me when you realise what a tool she is, although the fact that you have made it to university and haven’t yet figured that out for yourself leaves me little hope for your soul),

Your letter requires a three-part reply:

Thank you!
No.
Get a grip you sad sad person.
Love, annaloren

*Ok, so these are actually the only letters that I received. Shut up your face.