Wear the eye patch, Brett; wear the funky, funky eye patch

    First, you need to make yourself as pale as physically possible. Your Takapunian spray-tan is not welcome down here in the Underground (a land serene with a crystal moon). You can pick up various skin-whitening gels, lotions, washes and creams from your favourite cosmetic outlet (I recommend Lancome). Alternatively, the Working Class Heroes among you can keep costs down by concocting your own skin-bleaching potion – simply mix either turmeric powder and lime juice or almond paste and honey and slather it on a couple of times a week to achieve a snow white tan to rival Ryan Boyd’s.
    Secondly, you must wear the eye patch, Brett; wear the funky, funky eye patch! Other items that should be a staple part of your wardrobe include crotch-strangling tights, a floor-length floral gown (for guys), a cone hat, and a spacesuit (so you can resemble a Starman, waiting in the sky). Don’t forget your most comfortable Blue Jeans, either, for when you’re Dancing in the Street.
    If you’d like a real screwed-down hairdo, an orange mullet is definitely the way to go. Colour-coordinate with either a gigantic orange lightning bolt over one eye or turquoise eye shadow up to your brows (to match your turquoise three-piece suit). Speaking of lightning bolts, you’re welcome to do a Brett McKenzie and draw a few on your wanger, too – the more orange lightning bolts in the world, the better, I always say.
    To complete my look, invest in a coloured contact lens. I got my permanently-dilated pupil from being punched in the eye by my best friend when I was sixteen, but I don’t recommend that to anyone – no matter how much you’d like to resemble me. We all know that beauty is pain, but that’s just fookin’ ridiculous.
    God speed, you Pretty Things! Though we may be Strangers When We Meet, if you incorporate my funky style into your lives it won’t be long before I’m inviting you to embark on a Space Oddity with me, to find out if there really is Life on Mars.
    And if you’d like to wish your regularly scheduled writer a speedy recovery, or send her an idea for her next article (as I’m sure her brain will be working a little slower than usual after all that surgery), you can do so at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it I plan to be by her side throughout her recovery to help her with her numerous media demands – as well as fanning her with palm fronds and feeding her delicious cheesecakes, before asking her to Be My Wife – so you can rest assured that your email will get through.

Love and lightning bolts,
David Bowie xxx