Horoscope

Aquarius
How you will cope over summer without debate's horoscopes to guide you is the number 1 issue on your mind this week. You should be worried about exams instead. Here's our advice: curl up in a ball and never leave home until February.

Pisces
This week you will find yourself questioning the meaning of life. The answer will be found in a bowl of Frosties.

Aries
Did you notice we were spelling your name wrong for a while? It was totally on purpose because we hate you and think you're airy.

Aquarius Stay in bed all week. There's no point in getting up, not even to go to the bathroom.

Pisces What you need is an Alternative Ulster. Your current one keeps breaking down. Any SLF fans out there?

Aries  It's not ok. But it is ok to ask for help. Just not from me.

 

Aries  People like the way you do that right thurr (right thurr). Switch your hips when you're walkin', let down your hurr (let down your hurr).

Taurus Imagine there's no countries, it isn't hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too.

Gemini  It's just one of those days, when you don't wanna wake up. Everything is fucked, everybody sucks... you don't really know why, but you wanna justify rippin' someone's head off.

Cancer So say (so say) what you want (what you want), because the world doesn't owe you anything. Oh no, not like you used to think.

Aquarius -This week, you're the kid that everyone looks at like "Oh what a great friend." Do something badass so people will want to get with you.

Pisces -The sun is here! Jack some slippery plastic from a building site and jazz yourself up a kickass slippery slide.

Aries -Guys - Just because you stand at the BBQ flipping the meat doesn't mean you're a man. Girls - Drinking wine out of a cask bag doesn't make you hot, no matter how short your skirt is.

Taurus -Next time you're feeling good about yourself, just think about how much damage you're doing to the environment.