Horoscope

Aries: Someone will insult you this week. Remember it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, and only 3 in your arm to punch the bastard. 

Taurus: Next year will see the start of something great for you. This year will not be so good, try giving up.

Gemini: This week is ‘get your flat mate week,’ try putting stingy nettle in their bed, if that doesn’t work try in their sandwich. Be aware of what they are going to do to you.

Cancer: Ahhh! “The signs of crabs” be careful this week, don’t share.

Aquarius: Demand side air-bags in your next vehicle.

Pisces: Plastic surgery is always an option.

Aries: Do something exiting with your life – try competing in disabled Asian basketball.

Taurus: Checkout the scandals costumes on Trade Me for an arousing evening.

Gemini: Avoid making beats when you’re drunk, you will always come out at the harden end – even if you’re right.

Cancer: Yes there are cameras on campus, so yes you have been caught picking your nose. You’re never alone.

Leo: Get a real job.

Virgo: Enrol in a new degree because you’re not getting very far with this one.

Capricorn
‘Let’s get rowdy’ is your motto this week. Go out, drink far too much, get arrested and come to uni and tell some people in your class really loudly so everyone can hear how rowdy you get in the weekends. 

Sagittarius
Sleeping with your best mate’s partner is OK if you like them. It is not OK when she shows you how her and your mate ‘do it’ when they want to ‘spice things up’.

Scorpio
This week you will lose one friend and gain one friend. The one you gain will be naturally uncool and therefore you will lose them too. Get prepared; this will be a recurring event until you finish university.

Libra
Taking your camera to all social events and posting the photos on FaceBook the next day is a good way to make friends. Just stop posting the ones where you’re the only one that looks good. Good mate.