Aquarius
This capitalist world we live in is
seriously hurting you. You have become disillusioned with the
materialistic society we live in. Time for some serious retail
therapy to cheer you up.
Pisces
Consider running for Prime Minister.
I’ll vote for you. There’s no way you can be worse than the other
candidates (except Rodney, of course).
Aries
So you were wrong about the world
ending, no biggie. Your followers may call you a fraud, but at least
now you will get to see the X-Files movie.
Taurus
Move to Bulls, where everyone is a
Taurus. It’s a proven statistical fact that has not yet been
explained by scientists.
Gemini
While drinking your refreshingly
delicious can of Red Bull, you will contemplate how pathetic it is
when magazines slip sly advertising in their horoscopes. Sellouts.
Cancer
I know life sucks for Cancers, but the
important thing to remember is that I’m not a Cancer and so I don’t
really care. It could be worse, you could be… no wait, it can’t
be worse. Sorry to get your hopes up there.
Leo
Try not to lose any limbs this week as
they will come in handy in your gymnastics classes.
Virgo
Your reality TV show will be cancelled
after a scandal involving stolen crayfish and an Irish circus clown
named Warren. There goes your last grasp at c-list celebrity status.
Libra
Your life will be changed forever when
you discover the underlying brilliance of the Jeditorials. Tell all
your friends how great it is and inflate the man’s ego until he’s
airborne.
Scorpio
Your badass persona will take a hit
this week when you’re seen crying on national TV. When Fair Go come
knocking at your door, you’re not meant to let them in.
Sagittarius
Someone is stealing your hair while you
sleep and selling it to wigmakers to pay for their whore habit.
Either that or you’re going bald.
Capricorn
This week you will read the horoscopes
in debate. Hey, we finally got one right!
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