Aquarius: Take a chance for once in your life and
ask that object of your affection that's way out of your league
out. Make sure you do it in a public place so we can all laugh at
your rejection.
Pisces: You should be ashamed of yourself. You
know what I'm talking about.
Aires: The best things in life are free, so
long as you're an accomplished pick-pocket.
Taurus: Try and go 36 hours without shooting
someone. I know it's hard, but if you want to stay out of prison it
is kind of a big thing. Try chewing gum to take your mind off it.
Gemini: I am sensing a dark storm above your
head. But that may just be the shit weather. Rejoice in the
springtime.
Cancer: Seth Rogen's career advice of
dropping out of school and smoking all day doesn't seem to be
working out. Maybe you should start going to class.
Leo: Join Mensa. Then you'll get the
girls.
Virgo: You are kidding yourself with all your
Facebook friends. If you cut out all the people that you only met one
time at a party or haven't seen in 3 years your actual friends list
will consist of your mum and that guy at the video store.
Libra: This week you will learn the true
meaning of Christmas. Which doesn't really make any sense.
Scorpio: Your support for Winston is starting to
wane. It turns out he may not be as great a man as you once thought.
Sagittarius: Stop mourning for Ryan. He doesn't
deserve it.
Capricorn: Keep an eye on your cat this week.
She's up to something. If you don't have a cat, buy one, then
keep an eye on it.
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