The Olympics COULD be awesome.
Road cycling is rubbish. Cycling is
what you do to get somewhere, it's not a sport. Worse than that, if
I needed to get somewhere, cycling wouldn't even be how I'd do
it, I would take my car because it's faster and I have less chance
of being shat on by a bird. For this reason, cross country driving or
aviation skills should replace road cycling at the Olympics. As a concept, fencing is awesome. You
get to fight someone like you're in medieval times. When
practically applied, fencing is rubbish. Firstly, nobody even gets
stabbed, it's all electronic. Gay. Secondly, you have to dress up
like you're protecting the world from a colony of nuclear bees.
Instead of mesh astronaut costumes, competitors should rely on the
protection God gave us, singlets. If you can't win in a singlet
then you don't deserve to be there. Also, the swords should be
bigger, sharper and rusty. If competitors are supposed to be fighting
for their country and living their lifelong dreams or whatever, why
not add an extra incentive? If you lose, you will be stabbed in the
heart by a big rusty sword.
Synchronised swimming. Absolute
rubbish. This shouldn't even be cancelled because it's boring and
ridiculous to watch, it should be cancelled because it's just
Gymnastics under the friggin water. One of the Olympic values is
knowledge. How knowledgeable do you have to be to steal a sport that
someone else already invented and do it in a swimming pool? Under
this same notion, beach volleyball should be cancelled because it's
just volleyball outside, Handball should be cancelled because it's
out-of-water Water Polo and Water Polo was invented first. Being as
the Olympics seem to be largely about making money (billions of
dollars for China (as if they needed it) over the next few weeks) why
not chuck those sports out and put stuff in that people will watch?
Car Park Fighting. Excellent. If
YouTube has achieved anything in its three short years, it would be
that it has made us all aware of the crazy, disgustingly
un-unwatchable nature of people fighting. If you turned over to TV
One and an enormous man with a beard was throwing someone else off a
carpark roof, you would not change the channel. Olympic virtues -
Continuity and Equality. Why should convicts be disallowed in
competition? They still have dreams of representing their country
just like the rest of us, just because someone sold drugs and beat
people doesn't mean s/he should be discriminated against.
Distance running, distance swimming,
distance anything. Rubbish. The same theory as the road cycling
dilemma, except worse because at least with road cycling they
sometimes fall on the concrete. I have never seen someone fall out
of a swimming pool. If Olympic officials could show me that, I would
personally sponsor the Olympics in 2012. Admittedly sometimes people
get tired when walking and pass out, not counted because they go so
slow that they don't even fall badly.
I don't even feel like a cock saying
this stuff, because at the end of the day, it's television, it's
meant to entertain me and watching someone sweat for 3 hours as they
run in what is effectively a massive fucking circle does not even
remotely interest me. I don't feel bad and it's also because I
know everyone else is thinking it, it's just that the Olympics have
some stupid stigma about them. Like we should respect them because
they only come around once every four years. So everyone just goes,
"Oh...Archery is on..." And then they feel sad because now they
have to watch it because it's the Olympics. Ridiculous. I don't
hate the Olympics, for the most part it's interesting, a few
changes (Car Park Fighting) would make it better, but what it really
needs is to get off its high horse.
It's just sport.
Subscribe to this comment's feed