To Mo or Not to Mo

I'm not going to beat around the bush, I have a beard. Of sorts. It was a bet and if I don't shave until mid-October I get a certain amount of money.

If Abraham Lincoln's beard had sex with an Amish man, its beard baby would look like what's stuck to my face. It looks horrible and I hate it, but money is money and I don't have a lot of it, so getting paid to technically do LESS work is a deal I had to take. But why does my face look like the hairy ass of a bent over fat man? Why can't I have a cool beard (oxymoron?), or a nice shadow like Adam Levine from Maroon 5? I just don't understand. I actually can't grow a moustache. Literally I can't and it's freakin' ridiculous. If I'm going to look like a facially negligent dickhead, why can't I at least have some sort of style to it?

Every morning I wake up and look at myself and I ask why? Why, Jesus, is my un-moustached beard so shitty compared to yours? Is it genetic? Did the Virgin Mary have a choice beard and pass down the lumberjack ways to her little boy?

I can sit on my ass and ask questions all day long, and I don't think the Christian royal family are going to answer my questions. God didn't give me an XBOX 360 for Christmas so I don't see why he'd answer my moustache-related questions*. So I guess I'll have to settle for the next best thing, the American Mustache Institute (AMI).

Aaron Perlut, the Executive Director of the AMI, respected me enough to answer a few of my questions. Unfortunately, he didn't respect me enough to make me feel better about my shit moustache skills.

"Beards are simple, as they are for the weak, whereas moustaches, for the strong, take time to cultivate. Clearly a moustache says I am all man, powerful to the point where I can crack a walnut by simply looking at it, and my level of intelligence is superior to most."

So that's it. I can't grow a moustache because I'm not powerful enough as a man. I think we all know that's a load of shit. Clearly Mr Perlut is bias to an extent that intrudes into the objective nature of my research, so I decided to turn to the most accurate fact source in our little world, Wikipedia.

90% of how a beard shapes up is to do with genetics and age. So basically if you're doomed, you're doomed. Most hormonal development is expected to occur (in terms of facial hair at least) before guys turn 21, so I guess I still have a couple of years to pray that I'll grow a moustache to make Magnum P.I. jealous. And pray I will.

Apparently, correct trimming of a beard and/or moustache can result better growth and a more successful look. In terms of facial hair, I don't think it's the best idea to be bandying about the term ‘successful' too often, based on the fact that moustaches don't exactly exude success. I would, however, associate a moustache with say, wisdom. Or watching little kids at the park from behind the bushes.

All paedophilia aside, it is ludicrous that I can't grow a moustache and some people can, that I am forced (kind of) to live my life in shame, every day dealing with a new Jesus, Taliban or Chewbacca joke (it's sad that they're all jokes from Knocked Up because people can't think of new ones). Aaron Perlut would have me believe that only time and "heavy consumption of thick, frothy beer which coats your upper lip" are the means to my ‘success', but I'm not so sure.

I have to be honest, although I have about 10 weeks left (half); I'm pretty close to giving in. There's only so far a human can go while looking like a complete shithead. I'm near my limit. Not even because people mock me every day, not even because mothers look at me and shield their children, it's just horrible to look at and I hate it.

I don't want to be predictable and have a summary, but we don't always get what we want. I thought I wanted a moustache, but I don't want to be ‘that weird guy' on campus. I think I speak for everyone when I say that ‘enrol to vote guy' has that title pretty safely secured, he can keep the crown.

*God is Santa

If anyone wants to pay me more money as encouragement, or just has a fantastic idea that will result in me getting money, feel free to email me ( This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ) for a business proposition, I'm open to suggestions. Just think, if 50 of you give me $3 each, then I'll have another $150. We all win. Or something.